Listening to "7elwa ya balady" (Beautiful, my country) being sung by Ghada Adel and Ramy Ayash on "Swareh" show with my husband and mother-in-law... and I can't help feel the sarcasm or irony through every vein in my body when I hear the line "Awel 7ob kan feeki" (my first love was in you). All I feel is despise towards this country. Domestic violence is normal here... and most people accept it as a part of life. Patriarchal, sick society. I have been dealing with it for almost 2 years now... and it has made me mentally ill.
Stuck in this country because of bad, stupid, weak choices that have lead to my demise. The total breakdown of my ambitions, the destruction of my self. Empty. Empty dreams, empty ambitions, empty marriage. Why? Because my life will never go anywhere as long as I am in this. Void of all human emotion... except, ofcourse, humiliation, anger, hatred and disgust... so perhaps, not so empty... but over-flowing with pulsating negativity. Negativity for a man who revels and feeds on my misery... like a blood-sucking parasite that takes all your energy and leaves you feeling disgusted, irritated & bleeding.
Love? Where is the love? What is it? Is this my karma for all my past relationships? Who the hell knows... I read a question last night that struck a deep chord... "What is interesting or attractive in this relationship that makes you want to stay? Shit... there's no way I can answer that without hypnosis... a deep invasion of my subconscious to pry out why I'm such a masochist. I created a list of "20 reasons why I am grateful to have you" (as an attempt to focus on the positive). It not only took me over an hour to create, but about 15 points were one-time occurences as fillers, and the other 5 were superficial adjectives like "nice smile", "funny"... although I can't remember the last time I smiled let alone laughed at something he said.
So... why am I grateful? why am I still here? why did I sign those marriage papers? And the next step in our relationship... The wonderful Saudi Arabia... The world capital of female suppression and repression. The heart of all that is anti-feminist... wrapped up in the protection bow. Am I supposed to live there with a sadistic, abusive, chauvenist pig?! The only faint silver lining that I can see is that I will finally have a REAL friend who will make my life more palpable.
No matter how many questions I ask myself... no matter how many hours of introspection I perform... the only answer is... this is all my fault. I stay after each beating... I signed those marriage papers... I didn't walk out after the first slap. So, I deserve what I get... but soon I will strap on a pair and save myself... soon.
Stuck in this country because of bad, stupid, weak choices that have lead to my demise. The total breakdown of my ambitions, the destruction of my self. Empty. Empty dreams, empty ambitions, empty marriage. Why? Because my life will never go anywhere as long as I am in this. Void of all human emotion... except, ofcourse, humiliation, anger, hatred and disgust... so perhaps, not so empty... but over-flowing with pulsating negativity. Negativity for a man who revels and feeds on my misery... like a blood-sucking parasite that takes all your energy and leaves you feeling disgusted, irritated & bleeding.
Love? Where is the love? What is it? Is this my karma for all my past relationships? Who the hell knows... I read a question last night that struck a deep chord... "What is interesting or attractive in this relationship that makes you want to stay? Shit... there's no way I can answer that without hypnosis... a deep invasion of my subconscious to pry out why I'm such a masochist. I created a list of "20 reasons why I am grateful to have you" (as an attempt to focus on the positive). It not only took me over an hour to create, but about 15 points were one-time occurences as fillers, and the other 5 were superficial adjectives like "nice smile", "funny"... although I can't remember the last time I smiled let alone laughed at something he said.
So... why am I grateful? why am I still here? why did I sign those marriage papers? And the next step in our relationship... The wonderful Saudi Arabia... The world capital of female suppression and repression. The heart of all that is anti-feminist... wrapped up in the protection bow. Am I supposed to live there with a sadistic, abusive, chauvenist pig?! The only faint silver lining that I can see is that I will finally have a REAL friend who will make my life more palpable.
No matter how many questions I ask myself... no matter how many hours of introspection I perform... the only answer is... this is all my fault. I stay after each beating... I signed those marriage papers... I didn't walk out after the first slap. So, I deserve what I get... but soon I will strap on a pair and save myself... soon.
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